If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt.

Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.

No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.

All government, of course, is against liberty.

There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

Life is a dead-end street.

No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.

As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince.

Most people want security in this world, not liberty.

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

We must be willing to pay a price for freedom.

It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.

Every man is his own hell.